I have been thinking a lot about time lately. As any mother can attest time is the most precious commodity we have. Maybe it is the recent witness of someone I dearly love running out of time too soon that has arrested my attention. That makes me realise the importance of how one spends time, as once spent it is truly gone. Of how easy it is to waste energy on unimportant upsets, missing the little joys, or the opportunities for growth. Of how the little things, the little moments strung together like pearls, makes up the quality of ones life, IS ones life. Of how our experience of time changes over time. The more layers to our life, the less time we seem to have.
Remember how time Before Children (BC) seemed open and elastic? What a luxury time BC was. If only we had known how precious delving into a book fireside for the better part of a winter afternoon was, wouldn't we have done more of it?. Now time practically contracts, shrinks, all but disappears, and the endless list of things "to do" always seem to supersede the things we'd rather do. And it is those very things that are likely the most transformative, important and essential to growth. I personally am struggling with that at the moment, latent dreams and creative impulses are like a blossom closed,no locked in bud ...and what seems to have taken joys place is frustration and grumpiness and a pervasive lack of confidence and malaise.Part of it is greif, naturally, but put is a result of not spending enough time on the things that bring me deep joy, give creative release, and will ultimately answer my burning questions regarding next steps. I fear I am running out of time. No time to waste!
I find myself despairing that I will never blossom, reach my potential, find my place in the world and I feel stuck and struck with fear that it will be said on my deathbed "well at least she always had a clean and tidy house!". What of my Mia Culpa, my life's great work (besides loving and guiding these ever-challenging children to age)..and keeping a tidy and clean house?!
SO, I have been thinking... enough complaining.... what to do? I am always trying to encourage my children to find/ask for the solution rather than complain about the problem, maybe I need to follow my own advice?! And MAKE, not expect to find, that time for me and my creative pursuits to unfurl? Make it a MUST, not a should which is ever guilt-laden and ultimately unmotivating. Make it as important as my early morning exercise which I commit to as a habit because it makes me a better person? As important as good food on the table and a loving embrace not to mention daily coffee?
SO, I publicaly declare (to whoever is listening, all two of you mmm ever humbled!) I hereby commit to chip away at my dreams for 30 minutes daily. 30 minutes for me. Time to write, paint, or craft. Send out my dreams to the universe and trust providence will move. I am going to give myself that. I trust there is something waiting out in the world for me, and I am going to claim it. 30 minutes at a time.
Watch this space.
Hello Hannah, yes here I am indeed...can you see me waving??!! I find myself entirely identifying with your personal reflections..the gasping for air & scrabbling to find a place..my place in the world. Looking back, I truly wish that I had taken time out from my own children (3) they would have been just fine & I might have been a lot happier..even though they were good enough years I felt that "I" got rather lost in the process. When we are time deprived we can imagine that large chunks of elasticated time would be truly blissful...funny thing is, when the large spaces re-arrive it can be all a little too rattly & not quite as we imagined, so carving out small determined bits is probably the best possible solution for any of us. I will look forward to seeing what unfolds for you in the coming months. Never fear the bud is not locked, it will soon begin to loosen..in it's own time..& you do have time my dear. One thing I must mention too...when I became particularly unwell back in October & I feared that I would never be well again the discomfort & the need for answers rather created it's own impetus & I can now already say that I am sooo grateful for the immense amount that I have learnt because of my illness & the resolutions that have come in certain things that I had been stuck with all my life before the crisis. Have a lovely week. Much love Catherine x0x0x
ReplyDeletegood on you hannah. catherine made some great comments, the main one for me being that our kids will fare well in the end, even if we don't give them 100% of our time, and actually, i believe they will do even better if allowed a bit of their own time (either in daycare a couple of day a week, or just learning to play on their own now and then). it's all about balance, isn't it? they need to be happy, and so do we... good luck with your promise to yourself, and i will make sure you stay on track!! xxxx
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